Listening… why is it so hard?

OK. So I actually have a temper and I’m quite an impatient person… it’s weird because no one in my family was impatient, really, when I was little so it’s not as if it was ever modeled to me… but I guess I’v had to pull myself together in life, perhaps not on my own terms and this has possibly led me to feel like I’m owed something. Anyways, I’m prone to losing my shit when I feel like I’v done my dash. Needless to say, when my kids are moving slower than glue, or when they aren’t listening for the 1 millionth time, I often override them, get very growley and make this can make them feel like shit.

I’m not afraid of conflict and I handle myself well under pressure at work and such situations… so why can’t I do this with my own kids who I love more than anything?!?! I’m sure it will be something to do with some mirroring of their emotions onto me or something like this, making me feel like I’m 2 and responsible for all the adults, but at any rate… It’s triggering and I see red when I run out of gas managing everything!

Sometimes I think it’s because of my own expectations. I manage a lot, I do a lot, I want to keep doing a lot and achieving things and when things don’t play out quite as they should I fell like I’v failed or it’s a glitch in my pathway. I think a lot of women do this. Tell themselves that they need to achieve a bunch of stuff and then when it doesn’t pan out they are all failures, and less that perfect and they get a bit pissed. My girlfriends and I talk about these frustrations all the time and it really is often down to our own expectations. When the boys were babies I would get so worked up when something didn’t come off as I planned. When I re-assessed and let things go I was such a happier person and much better equipped to deal with curve balls. So I think this is a big part of it.

But how do I stop barking orders, telling everyone off and wading in with ultimatums?! I’v read a couple of fabulous articles – 1 I actually haven’t read, have forgotten, and have been meaning to read, and then one was a podcast by Janet Lansbury, “Unruffled”, (March 7 – “Help! Our Child Keeps Interrupting and Demanding Attention”). Actually everything by Janet Lansbury is fabulous. There are heaps of great articles on this site. But the podcast got me good.

I’ll list the main takeaways, but before I do; I know we aren’t always perfect. This, in itself is a good thing. I don’t want my kids to think they have to be perfect because their parents are – this is a spinning vortex to be fair – but basically, we are humans and flawed and we aren’t going to get it right all the time. It’s important my kids see that I make mistakes but above all I take responsibility for them. I want to instill some comfort in them having their own flaws. Wouldn’t it be great if you were OK with the fact that you were going to fail from time to time and that you could just keep going!?!?! Something I always try and do – when I lose my shit – is, at a later moment when things are calmer, I own my mistakes. I recount what I could have done better and what I’m not proud of. I let my boys know that maybe I didn’t do the right thing then and that I’m sorry.

I’m not using the above as an excuse to why I’m flying off the handle when they don’t put their shoes on, I’m constantly working on strategies to manage my own reactivity, I’m just not naive enough to think that I can change on a dime and it will never happen again.

Key takeaways from Janet Lansbury that I love:

• Set a boundary and know it’s OK for your child to react against this and that’s a normal healthy part of learning boundaries.
• Expect them to understand the boundary and don’t let them away with it. The key is not responding with anger, responding with a clear boundary
• Give them a safe place that they can have their reaction to being told something they don’t like or not getting their way. It’s OK and reasonable that they can have their reaction to this boundary and you are a safe person for them to have that reaction with.
• Listen to how they feel and give them that time to have that feeling. You don’t have to agree with their feeling but making time to acknowledge and listen to them is important.

I also try to make inroads to being less reactive by making time to get on their level, listen to what they say, ask them questions about things and just be with them watching shows or playing games. I like modelling what I want to see in them – eventually! How can I expect them to not be reactive, when I’m reactive! Not fair! So I guess the more time I spend acknowledging them and listening to them… the better it will get eventually!

So…. I’m gonna be over here working on listening.

 

Back on the blog-train

Hi everyone.

I just re-read my last post. It was very dark. Things were very hard by the sounds of things. There are a lot of those things that I still identify with but I’m also really happy that I appear to have moved on and taken some strides, because I don’t feel that way SO much anymore.

So there’s a lot that’s changed. I have a 5 year old and a nearly 3 year old. They are awesome. I’m working full time in a bit of a different job than last time. It’s a lot more flexible and much better set up in general than my past job. This is good.

LT has started school. It’s amazing to watch him navigate all this. He’s doing really well, has made friends and is happy to go. He has a propensity for trouble however and does give some of his “friends” a hard time, or so I hear from his teacher. I can totally see this happening. He likes attention, good or bad… and dislikes being told what to do if he doesn’t want to do it. Hi is nothing if not his own person. Which I love, I just don’t want him to be “that kid” in class. Whatever that kid is… so that’s something to unpack!

ZN is in daycare still. He’s a lovely happy and open child. He’s silly and sweet. A true joy. He’s not as complicated as LT but he does skitz out and lose his mind being mischievous every now and then. He does it in such an innocent way that it’s difficult to stay mad at him.

So what shall we talk about…? I’v been thinking of a few things and I’m making a list. I’d love to do a blog a fortnight… but I am a working mother so who knows! But it would be good *thinking face*. Let’s see.  Just happy that it’s Easter and I’m doing some writing. I also want to go back and edit a few posts. There are a few errors here and there that know one needs to battle with.. So for now. Let’s just be grateful to be blessed with beautiful children xoxo

No Title

It’s 5:30 am. I’v been up since 3:30 am. I tried to go back to sleep but LT comes in – then ZN wakes up and it’s all on.

I’m stressed I’m exhausted and I don’t actually see any way out of my situation. It’s a very lonely isolating feeling. Probably not the time to read an article about how the world’s oceans are warming and millions of amazing sea creatures are dying. This only adds to the feeling that I have no agency. In my personal life I have no agency. I’v had a week of people telling me what to do – sticking their noses in and adjusting things that I should be in charge of. I’m living on less than 6 hours sleep a night and I’m angry, frustrated and under resourced.

I’m fine most of the time… And then all of a sudden I’m not. I break over tiny things, I lash out at people I love and most things are everyone else’s fault that I have to deal with. Needless to say – this is not constructive.

The children are actually the one shining light in life at the moment. They bring me so much joy I can’t even begin. I love them un-aboundingly. I don’t even know if that’s a word but I don’t care. They are awesome and they are doing awesome.

The issue is the degradation of self that is accompanying my life. There is very little time for me. Although I find myself in my tasks and my interactions with the boys etc… there is very little space – very little wiggle room – very little buffer for anything to expand or retract. I need to help my husband and give him his life too but it is always at a cost to either of us. It’s a constant trade off; you go here – I’ll do this… We have little or no quality time together. It just becomes an exercise in management.

Layer on to this this nagging feeling I have that I need to act – to take on the evil in this world and save the planet and all the animals in it. I just can’t seem to stand by and watch another road being built where we don’t need one – or a river be poisoned because someone didn’t have a business case to protect it’s catchment. The planet isn’t a fucking business case of a fucking economic decision. It’s life. Simple as that. I am constantly looking at the sky to see if it’s changed. I look at the sea suspiciously to see how it’s different from when I was young. Why are we so disconnected with all of this?!

I have to be like this myself because I have to make fucking money so that I can feed my family.

How did this happen?

I’m so tired of fighting everyone and everything but I can’t stop. I don’t have an answer or a suggestion or a fucking check list for this one. Everything is just fucking – fucking hard.

2 Kids – What’s Working for Me

There’s been a bit of negativity in my last couple of posts – I think very necessary as we DON’T talk about the struggles for parents enough in our society! So I thought I’d focus on the good things for a bit because having 2 kids is actually AWESOME!

What are they up to? 

LT is 3 yrs and 4 months and is totally awesome! He’s shed 65-70% of irrational tantrums (haaaaaalejluya! sp?! :D) and is much more interested in games activities and communication. He will play really well on his own and screen time has been drastically reduced. I find that if I let him have ANY time on a device he turns into some kind of dreulling crackhead on the verge of multi-homicide. So that just doesn’t happen. Although he does often ask me if the “little phone” is charged up…

He LOVES daycare – they play all day and it’s so good for him. He’s the type of kid that likes to get drawn into projects and highly focused on them. He plays well with others and is well liked. Every parents hope – even though all kids are special and unique and all that – you just want things to be easy for your child.

ZN is nearly 9 months. Hes SO cruisy and cuddly and hilarious! He just loves life and loves his tribe. He’s crawling and he follows LT around constantly. LT sometimes likes this… but most often he says to me “Mum! Can you move ZN!” Especially if he’s making a bee-line for the highly regarded toy car basket. There have been a few bust-ups needless to say. ZN comes out worse off.

He’s sleeping really well. We did some sleep training with him a couple of months ago and he’s slept REALLY well ever since. I’ll go through it at some stage but at the risk of completely derailing this post… I’ll sideline it. I will however add this link to a blog a friend of mine wrote which is actually honest and non-judgey and awesome. All kids are different and what works for one… blah blah blah we are all grown up enough to know that you should be able to trust yourself and do what’s right for each child. What I did for LT is quite different for what I do with ZN. ZN is more robust than LT was and he is more comfortable in his own skin.

ZN loves daycare too and just generally loves everything. He’s currently crawling around the living room going – AHAHAHAHA!! A-AHAHAHAHA! Smiling at me.

What are they eating?

I was quite late giving LT finger food. As a result he ate soft foods for quite a while. It was more time and cost effective for me a the time to make a heap of spag. bol. or chicken casserole and freeze it for his lunches etc. This means he never really got given carrot sticks or raw vege etc. He’s just gotten into these types of foods in the last 6 mnths or so and he’s really enjoying them now. Here’s a list of food ideas that I combo at mealtimes:

Soba Noodles with soy sauce

Pasta and sauce

Mini meatballs with mayo and sweet chilli dip (creat for hiding vege’s in

Savoury Pikelets (also great for hiding veges in eg: grated zucchini, carrot, corn) I sometimes put in chicken mince for some extra protein.

Scrambled egg and grated vege

Cheese and carrot roll ups (put in a wrap and lightly toast in sandwich press)

Curry and rice – yes he LOVES curries – so pretty much any Thai or Indian curry he will eat

Chicken Satay and brown rice / quinoa

Oatmeal – always a staple hearty meal

Vege face! I give this first as a starter – this ensure’s he gets his veges in and he LOVES the different faces eg: Scary, Happy, Angry etc 🙂

ZN is on soft food and finger food (I never did this with LT at this age really)

He’s eating your usual suspects: Carrot, pumpkin, rice, fish, blitzed and warm.

I’m also giving him finger foods to mess around with:

Avocado, grated cheese, Cruskets, soft melon, bread roll ups with Marmite, soft broccoli, orange wrapped up in muslin.

He’s really confident with it – the only real issue is him putting too much in at once and triggering his gag reflex. Not pretty and doesn’t happen often. I just have to regulate him every now and then. I’m hoping that this will mean he’s more comfortable with different types of foods sooner than LT was.

What am I loving about 2?

I love the sense of family. There is more life and energy in the house (although us parents don’t have that much of it at times :D).

The connection between the boys is so special to watch and the experiences that we are beginning to have together as a family are so cool.

Watching them both grow and explore and learn things in different ways and together is a rich and rewarding experience and it teaches me a lot about myself and gives me a new perspective and new priorities.

What’s hard about it? 

It’s A LOT of work. We often don’t sit down until after 8:30. It’s not work you can put off either. It has to be done. Both boys, up, dressed, fed, one does a crap, once spills his breakfast, one wants a boob, the other does a crap, one won’t put shoes on, one puts shoes on then takes them off, brush teeth, they both need lunch, we are out of nappies at daycare, we are out of wipes, ZN pulls out all wipes – you get the idea. So I KNOW that I have an hour or more of that kind of shit in the morning at then from about 4:30 – 8:30 pm. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it – it’s just restricting. It impacts on our lives and what we are capable of. It effects our own work / life balance I guess. you can’t not go to work and the kids have to be sorted so it’s you that sacrifices. Which is actually fine – most of the time I’m ok with it. It’s just when I start trying to crowbar in my needs (ie: have expectations of what I want to acheive) that things get a bit tense. Read: trying to do too much.

Final thought: 

Having 2 made me realise why having 1 was so tough but important. All the hard work and learning was forges with LT. All the hard times. With ZN I can really enjoy the experience of the baby and now the nearly 1 year old and I’m not so stressed. It makes everything better 🙂

So You’re a Working Mother..

I really want to blast out about the last couple of weeks I’v had (eye roll). However, I don’t want it to come across like I’m doing that whole wingey – “being a mum is SO hard” thing. Because it’s actually more than that. It’s about the lack of understanding by society of what being a parent actually entails and that there is no support for that.

Here’s a quick synopsis : Back at work – 4 hours a day – kids still have to be in care EVERY day – NO money, and I mean NONE – chest infection (mine) – can’t leave the dog at home – Can’t get ahead at work due to 4 hours a day – huge forest fires 10 ks from my house – parking ticket – sick kid – poo as I’m late for work (LT’s, not mine) – Sick husband – Cat with abscess.

I have a dear friend who is a full time (VERY) professional and a mum. We often have serious angsty conversations about how hard it is. She has said that she has never encountered more discrimination against her as a woman in the work place than when she was having her 2 kids.

I tend to agree… I’m back at work after ZN. I’m working part-time (20 hours – I wanted 30). Prior to this I have been working casually (10 hours in my own time). Before babies and stuff I had a good career trajectory. Post the babies I am now at the bottom of the heap for the second time. I get it – the company doesn’t stop and wait for you because you’re having a kid. But it doesn’t recognise your contribution and look after you either.. I get the feeling that a lot of companies ASSUME that because you have children that you’re not interested in a career anymore. Now don’t get that screwed up readers… I’m not saying that the company is your first priority – it is not. Your children will always be (just like any family member would be for someone that doesn’t have children). I’m saying that there is often an assumption that because you’re had kids you won’t WANT to advance. This is bull cocky. As a person who has a work life – you want to to the best you can, feel fulfilled, get recognised for your contribution and feel valued. Point One.

I can hear in my head as I write this all the people who stand for companies and people without children saying – well that’s the job, you chose it, you decided to have kids, you can’t have it both ways. I’v got a real conflict about this. On one hand (as a manager in a previous life) I understand what it’s like. The business and it’s momentum come first and staff have to work in with this for the good of the business. As a mother and a long time employee of a great company , I feel totally undervalued and dispensable – largely because I have “chosen” to have children and there are other factors to consider.

My take away is this. People were having children LONG before there was even such a thing as a “company”. The family unit is what keeps society functioning. Who’s gonna pay for your pension in the rest home? My kids. Pro-creation is a biological right (yes, this has it’s own set of debate :D) but it is and as a society we do little or NOTHING to support families. It’s largely sexist although not limited to descrimination against women. Do I think if men did the lion’s share of the care this would be different – yes. But that’s another blog, I’m sure.

I’m not saying that I want a break or my life is any harder than anyone else’s. What I AM saying is I HAVE to work and I have 2 dependents. They don’t raise themselves and because of this I do need time off, I do need extra allowances when they are sick. I do need to have the option of quality care for them. And I don’t think that is unreasonable. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for my employer to understand I want to be at a sports day, or pick up my kid at 4 instead of 6. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to do all my hours in one block so that I’m not only more efficient in the workplace but that I’m able to provide better, more consistent and less expensive care for my children. I don’t think that just because I’m a woman and a mother that I don’t want my job to be fullfilling and challenging. If I can succeed and make all those things happen despite being a mother – why won’t society let me do that? It’s not because I want to be a lush, people! It’s because I NEED to work to support my family, but yes, that means I also have a family to support!

We need to understand something. You’re not wussing out because it’s hard and you can’t do it all. You shouldn’t have to man up and come up with everything to make a good impression or to prove to the man that I’m committed. I am committed. I’m just also someone with a family. The fact of the matter is, if we gave ourselves a break and were honest about what we needed and set an expectation that some things will work and some just won’t, society would change. Should society be more understand and accommodating – YES. It’s just not there yet. It’s time to have a conversation around what’s working for you and what’s not and change it!

#easiersaidthandone #needtotakemyownadvise #thiswasNOTmelastweek #wenttoworksick #eyeroll

 

 

A Truth: Marriage and Babies

I’v stolen a moment while LT is driving cars through the “big bed” to try to write this heavy post about marriage and children. ZN is on the floor trying to crawl and eating his hat. It’s all go. This is also on a 5:30 wake up and 10 wake ups during the night; 3 for ZN, 3 for LT and about 4 for the cat who taps at our blind next to our slider door in order to be let out. It is a noise that has become synonymous with red eyed rage in our house. To say Rex is on thin ice is an understatement…

Anyways… something has come to my attention and from it I’v drawn some very sweeping conclusions, all of which I’ll sum up in a totally uneducated hypothesis in this post.

Mt husband is 39 and I’m 36. We aren’t middle aged…. but we are heading that way – right? We are exiting an era of weddings, first children and 30th’s and entering an era of no free time, 40th’s and divorces. Don’t get me wrong, there are highlights in here too – children bring unimaginable joy and having all our kids and our friends kids grow up together is a total blessing. There is also a comfort in the humdrum family life and annual holiday as well as personal growth and a change in perspective and priorities. But we’ve worked hard for it.

My husband and I have been through our fair share of hard times. We had the toughest time our marriage has ever endured in the year after LT was born. I won’t go into the details but a lot of what I write here draws from these experiences and also from long extended conversations with girlfriends on the subject of marriage and children – either our own or otherwise.

IMPORTANT TO NOTE: I am not using this post as a way to throw shade on husbands or wives… this is just what I think is happening during this phase of our lives and I’v decided to document it. Marriages (and by this I mean any dedicated relationship, married or unmarried, gay or straight) have many ups and downs and if you think everything’s roses once you say I DO, you’re dreaming. If you think that baby is going to fix those ups and downs, you’re also dreaming. It’s like hoping to paint the inside of your fuel tank by pouring 8 litres of ‘perfect pink’ down the fuel line.

It’s just life. So just read this and take it with a grain of salt and it’s the perspective of one person. It might not be your reality and if not – awesome!

Man and Woman meet (generally speaking). Fall in love – everything’s amazing. LOVE like no other – blah blah blah.

Man and Woman move in together, life starts happening, they make plans; marriage, kids, save money, buy a house blah blah blah.

Man and Woman get married. Man and Woman start putting plans into action, work hard, save money (or not!) decide to have babies.

Woman becomes obsessed with this process, ovulation, temperature blah blah blah. Get pregnant! Yay! We are so happy ! (And have no idea what we are getting ourselves into)

Pregnancy: All a out the Woman. Woman prepares for birth. All doctors and midwives talk to woman, not man. It’s all about the woman. You guessed it, when the baby arrives it’s all about the woman too… feeding, sleeping, feeding and sleeping. The man just sits by and watches. Remember, nothing has changed for him… it’s all happening to his darling bride while he just sits back trying to help or make sense of it.

Woman’s hormones are crazy. They are crazy during pregnancy and they are crazy afterwards. Everything in that woman’s body is geared towards keeping the baby alive. She becomes a mess when she can’t do stuff. It’s all on her – he can’t really do much to help. It’s a different side of this woman. A new side and not really the one he married.

Baby turns 6 months… Woman gets her life back a bit. She begins doing more stuff for herself again. She may kind of expect Man to take up some slack here – after all, she’s been doing it all for the passed 6 months and nearly a year of pregnancy before that! It’s about time she got back to normal, right?

Man is in the deep end. He can’t feed as well as she can, he can’t put baby to sleep as well as she can, he is kind of learning all the things that Woman was bombarded with at babies birth. Woman may get frustrated with man. Why can’t he just step up and sort it out? Wasn’t he listening, watching, interested? Man feels like he can’t ever do anything right. Baby remains main focus of parents. Money is stressful as Woman’s career is compromised. There’s too much to do. No time. No resources. No support. Lack of communication. Man doesn’t know how to talk about it (because men are tough and/or this is just how it is)

Resentment and distance grows between Man and Woman. Everyone’s passive aggressive They slip into a way of managing. Meanwhile, they may both know they want to have another baby so they start gearing up for that. More impending stress and expectation…

Skip forward a couple of years or months, or 5 years. Man has a crisis. He’s not himself, goes off with new lady, changes careers, decided he’s fallen out of love – whatever. Marriage is in trouble. Woman never saw it coming. It’s a cluster fuck. No one knows how or why or when. It’s just all happened.

Well, I’ll tell you why it happened. Man and Woman are moving in different trajectories. Woman wants this “perfect life” marriage babies etc. Man thinks it’s a good idea because that’s just “what you do” but no one really knows what that means or how hard the reality of that is. Woman pushes everything through, every plan every milestone, works hard. Man goes along with it and then silently blames Woman for making it hard. He needs his time and space meanwhile she’s complaining because he’s never around and he’s useless meanwhile she began all these actions without making sure she had buy in from her husband. It’s a push-me-pull-you situation. It’s 2 people blaming each other for their hard ship.

Now, no relationship is perfect. Everyone has issues – whatever. What I’m talking about here is a basic framework / pattern that I notice among my demographic. There will be other nuances and other examples of this. But basically there’s a lot of undermining and resentment going on. A lot of us are happy, aware and dealing fine. I’m also aware that it might not be “Man and Woman” as outlined above. It might be “Woman and Man”

How do I think we deal with the above? see below:

• Do you want to be moving in the same direction? Are you both on board for the next step whatever that means, and are you committed to working through it together. Hold yourself and your partner accountable after you have agreed how you want to proceed. Like picking a wedding venue for example; Don’t just go along with what she wants and then blame her when it rains because she wanted a garden wedding and you never did. Speak the fuck up! And partner, be prepared to listen and entertain the other perspective. It might rain – then what are you gonna do? Blame your partner because he didn’t think of that?!
• Know that your partner doesn’t know it all. They need to learn just like you did. You can’t become a mechanic by someone handing you are car and saying “you should know by now”. You need guidance and someone to be patient with you. Don’t undermine your partner by setting them up for failure so that you can take pleasure in telling them they failed which gives you a fleeting moment of satisfaction. The wound this leaves is far more damaging.
• On the other hand. WANT to learn, WANT to help out. You are a team and you need to work together or it will bring issues eventually. Trust yourself. Don’t be so afraid of failing that you don’t try.
• Be honest.
• Sometimes the truth hurts.
• Make time for each other
• If you aren’t on board with something, find a solution – T O G E T H E R
• Sometimes you will fight. Just have some space and then come together later to resolve.
• Men. It’s OK to not be enough, to have emotions, to fall apart, to not have all the answers, to cry. Stop this macho BS of having it all together. You don’t and neither does your wife. You’re just too people doing it together. Don’t judge yourself to harshly. Forgive yourself. Know that you’re enough.

 

 

 

Ego Parenting

The Ego is an important thing. It motivates us, helps define us, protects us, keeps us moving forward. It can also stop us from growing, isolate us an be the source of hurt for our friends and loved ones if things escalate.

I have a large ego. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m very assertive – some might say aggressive at times. In my later years I’v developed a strong moral compass and I assert my beliefs, some would say – vigorously. I think this is because I feel more secure in myself and more confident in my views that I can do that, but I also think it can dull my point of view a bit. By that I mean that I am often so definitive in my opinion that I perhaps don’t see the other side of the coin as much.

Ego is also a reinforcer. It wants to be vindicated to re-assure the self, to settle ones self-esteem. I often find my Ego entering conversations with other parents about how hard this is or that is. Framing conversations so that we both agree that this is shit – or that is impossible – that it’s not our fault. Mostly, of course, this is true and I think this is an important part of having a support network. Not only does it give you a sense that you’re not alone in the parenting wilderness.. but it also stops you from going mad and trying to be all things to all people – namely, your children – and losing complete touch with all reality. You simply can’t do it all. It’s the endless conversations with my friends that enforce this and Ego has a part in that.

1) Ego can also bring a dark cloud. It quickly goes from being an innocent conversation about the 5 pm Bermuda triangle to being a “I’m so hard done by fest”. I find it also happens when LT or ZN need something or challenge me when my friends are about… I might throw some shade on them in that moment. Why do I do this? Well, if I’m being honest, it’s so that the other parent knows what I’m going through. So we can have that moment of understanding that reinforces how hard things can be – or what challenges we are facing… It’s statements like “Oh well, of course you want that now don’t you when mum’s having a cup of tea,” Or “Yes, we’ve been VERY hitty lately”. Things that you wouldn’t say if it was just you or your kids. It’s more often that not: Passive Aggressive. Things you say to let the other parties know what you’re going through. It’s an undertone, it’s a sly comment, something you think you’re kids won’t pick up (I bet they do though!) and it’s to serve your own Ego. I do it and I’m trying really hard not to.

I’m trying to keep my “F-This!” conversations with my friends – which I believe are VERY important – to private, kids free moments and keep the focus of parenting when my kids are around to the pure interactions that I always strive to have with my boys when it’s just us. Of course this is difficult. There’s a conversation, a moment a dialogue and an instant example of the issue! You want to acknowledge that and it’s an adult moment. The by product of that however, is a negative connotation for the child that is that they are at fault, responsible for your feelings, and/or undermined in that moment. The alternative? Well, to be honest? who knows! Hahaha! no – I think this – although it’s not a my-way-or-the-highway type of situation! (no ego here ;)). My strategy is just to turn to the child and include them in the dialogue (if it’s appropriate). “You’ve been finding it hard to get to sleep at night, eh?” “You prefer to eat chocolate biscuits at every meal at the moment, don’t you?” It’s a simple no fuss acknowledgement of the situation you’re facing. OR – you don’t discuss certain things while your kids are around and definitely don’t make what you’re going through their responsibility.

Important disclaimer: there are MANY things I have discussed with my friends in front of my kids with them as babies and/or toddlers that they shouldn’t be privy to. And yes, I just assume that they don’t understand the gravity of the topic to be involved. The above is more about using kids as leverage to make my point to another adult about how shit things are. …. Neither is discussing highly classified information (read: gossiping) in front of my kids – but that’s another blog post.. and one that I’ll probably never write.

2) OVER PARENTING. This is a term that I’m using to describe parents that “do it all” and love to talk about how they “do it all”. Now. Firstly. My Ego has this in it’s nature. I get very caught up on being “productive”, in having to do everything. There are a number of facets driving this. I won’t go into them all…. they range from simply wanting the best for my boys to feeling like I have to put them in this play group or give them that experience because that’s the right thing to do and those things are all just intertwined with life. Some things are more manageable with others and sometimes you don’t know what you can accomplish until you push past things and just make it happen – and then of course sometimes you realise it’s all just too much. There is also this thing that is like there is no off switch. There’s a go, go, go go, CRASH scenario that plays out in our house (it’s getting better…) and a lot of that is driven by “I have to” and “I can’t relax until” – which is BS because you do that thing and then there’s something else and you never relax and then you’re so hard done by. Now these things are both valid and true – things have to be done – at the same time as they are self indulgent and BS. HA ! Nothing really has to be done. So what are you telling yourself when you are pushing through a mall full of people with a whining 3 year old and a screaming 6 month old at Christmas time to by a wreath and get fresh peonies for the table?!

What am I talking about here..? I’m talking about – does it really matter? Why are you pushing so hard, why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? Why are you making cups of tea for visitors 2 weeks after having a c-section? Well, you are because you want to be the best and be “fine”… and that is your Ego driving you. It’s comparing you to other parents who (seem to) do everything. It’s telling you that you’re worthless unless you manage. It’s using your duties as a parent as a way of defining you and building or degrading your self esteem. Well, it’s all Bull Shit. The unfortunate thing is there is a very tenuous switch between being productive because it serves you and involving yourself in every frivolous thing because you’re concerned with it defining you as a person and a parent. If you take some responsibility for whatever situation you’re in and what is you’re trying to fight and let it go.

Ok. I’m sure that some reading will see themselves in the above.I definitely do. And to make it all the more complicated I believe that all of the above is necessary and part of learning and all that shit. I think that it’s OK because if we try to tell ourselves that we are bad people for doing the above it has the reverse effect of being constructive. If we berate ourselves we are only being drawn deeper into the Ego and continuing an unhealthy cycle of behavior. Tips below:

• If you F up and talk about the kids to the kids or try and do too much DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. This is probably the most difficult and the most important tip
• Recognise it. Understand it’s not right. Try and do better next time.
• Know that all your kids really want is your love and time
• Know that all your kids need is your support. Don’t make them the bad guys or responsible for your feelings. They are here because you wanted to have kids and this is what comes with it! You’re the adult. They don’t have a frontal cortex yet. Read more about that here! 
• You are enough. You are doing your best
• Let off steam – it’s very important. Sensor you information around your kids. (I know it’s hard)
• Do more of what makes you happy – dishes can wait. The holiday is worth it.
• Ask yourself: Why are you doing this? Can it wait? What’s the point?
• It’s OK. Make a cup of tea and have a bitch when the kids are out playing
• Make some time to relax
• Believe in yourself
• You don’t need the approval of others

 

Ego – phewf! I could right a heap on this actually… I might do a phase 2 for this one – turns out there’s A LOT ! We will see – don’t want to put too much on my plate and all…

Mumming..

Hi friends. This might be a rambly one. It’s just the sum of idea that have been swirling around my head since I’m off work and mumming 2 kids right now. I’v noticed a few things about myself and about society.

1. There’s A LOT of stuff that fits in my brain now. My stream of consciousness is similar to this: Ok, LT’s breakfast, oh, washing, LT’s breakfast then washing out, feed the dog, dishwasher. Dishwasher, oh yeah, feed the dog. LT dressed, is ZN awake, not awake, ok… Feed the dog, LT dressed, done. Lunch. Lunch box, Bag? Bag, ok. Lunch box, bag, bag in car, dog in car, face on. ZN awake? Feed ZN. Face on – you get the idea.

As a result it’s very hard to switch off my brain. I’v sort of become addicted to my brain working this way. Am I addicted to “hyper-tasking”? Last night I was pinning ghost cakes and ghost cake pops to my Pinterest at 10:45 at night. I was too tired to converse with my husband but I was totally dedicated to the ghost cake.

I do things to get ahead of myself but I never really get ahead so it shouldn’t really matter. There are definitely times when I go – you know what? F- it. I’m just gonna do nothing or just chill and that’s a good thing… but in the day to day whirlwind it’s a self perpetuating cycle.

I find that even though my output is high, my sense of achievement is low. I don’t often sit back and celebrate the fact that I’v made lunches for the week or that I’v just cleaned out ZN’s drawers. I think – oh, I’m so glad that’s out of the way. There is a lot of motivation but little time for feeling fulfilled, although in saying that I do get a lot of satisfaction from “Doing it all”. I think a lot of us do.

I can do a HEAP of stuff in a day but the take away is often what I didn’t achieve – or that I just wanted to get this other thing done (like, write a blog post or finish the painting that LT and I started). This mindset breeds a lot of negative attention to things rather than being proud that you kept 2 small people alive.

When I sit with my girlfriends we often talk about this. About the busyness of everything but also how we felt “SO GOOD” that that is out of the way or that we found time to do this. I think it’s definitely a “Woman” thing. And I think it’s something that’s bound by our own expectations and how society frames a “woman’s work” and defines what makes you a “good woman” a “good mother”.

This leads me to the next thing… There is an increasing standard by which I find myself having to achieve things. I don’t often let myself off the hook (although I do compared to other mums!). More often than not I’m thinking about how I can do more – save time (yeah right, if you are doing more.. you aren’t often saving time), be more efficient, get it out of the way sooner etc etc…. it’s a bit of an addict way of thinking I think. I also feel like the scary thing is more that I’m very committed to living this type of way. Yes, there are times when I notice it and take my foot off the gas, but generally it’s more about go, go, go.

This leads me inevitably to the question… what’s it all for? Hmmm… well, although I have my own ideas about why different women think they have to be busy and do it all… I can only really speak for myself. I’v asked myself a few questions and the outcomes are below:

• It gives me a sense of control – like there are less surprises if I do it all
• It gives me a sense of worth – if I do it then I’m capable and successful
• I do have a sense of achievement – I like all the boys to be looked after and happy and fed and joyful (this IS a good thing btw)
• Don’t know about this one.. but sometimes if I’m busy being busy I suspect that it means I don’t have to deal with sadness or reality of some things that bother me.
• Also it just is what it’s like having kids and I think that the more you are ahead of the game… the less you have to deal with curve balls. I think this point is what as spurred this type of behavior: The thought of something occurring that will cause stress or will surprise you. After all, you learn and adapt your behavior from going through hardship and motherhood is definitely a type of hardship!

Hmmm… yes… so lots of arguments FOR and AGAINST. Just a work in progress and a lesson in defining yourself by your own standards and being ok with that.

I went to a mindfulness workshop a while ago. It was amazing. I realised just how much my brain whirs and how committed to that mind-frame I am. I have been trying to make time each day to sit and be mindful, to slow things down and to be able to be in the moment with everything a bit more. I’m sad to say that I’m not often successful! However, during the session we talked about the practice of mindfulness. It takes work and it’s not something you can just add to your life as a cure-all. It’s a practice. This is challenging for those of us with a constant list. It jibes with our thought patterns: Quick put the washing on, get the chicken out, check the baby, be mindful…. yeah… not that easy. Even as I’m writing this I’m thinking about how I SHOULD be sitting down and meditating while the baby is asleep. it becomes another thing to add in – to “achieve”.

My takeaway is that you just have to try and practice slowing down, practice being quiet and practice letting myself off the hook. Work out what you want to do and need to do. But really try to do this for you – and not for anyone else… and not comparing yourself to every one else.

TIPS for mindfulness:

• When you put the jug on, just take a deep breath in, think “PAUSE”, breath out slowly, think “BREATH”, then breath in and out again and bring the thought of a smile or a smile to your lips and think “SMILE”.
• Sit on the floor comfortable and count 10 breaths in and out counting for 4 each breath cycle.
• Do some yoga. This is a good quick flow to connect mind and body
• There are some great apps too – I use headspace
• Stop and play with your kids
• Take a walk
• Think: If I don’t get it done today will anyone die?
• Make a list of things that need to get done that day and scratch off everything that doesn’t
• Love yourself – I think this is the hardest. you are enough. It’s going to be OK. do the things you WANT to do.

Cloth Nappies – Don’t Freak Out

ZN showing off his cloth nappy.

It seems crazy to me to wrap a baby’s arse in a material that will be around for a good 200 – 500 yrs after your child is out of nappy. It also seems crazy to me to depend on something so synthetic, consumable, and expensive to manage baby waste which is, as we all know, PROLIFIC !

Ok, so. Having a baby for the first time is overwhelming. It can be a full on place and you just need to know that stuff works. So quick disclaimer here (as per my other posts) health of baby and mother is paramount. If it’s all too much – do what works until you have the space, energy, resources to do what you want to. In this article my narrative may be quite “directive” but this is only to be taken on if you as a mother or caregiver are in the right space and have everything available to you with which you can execute the below “directive”. eg: if you can use cloth nappies – you “SHOULD” because our convenience society is killing our planet, but if you aren’t in the right space, just do your best and don’t stress. You will when you can.

Now that that’s out of the way I’m gonna flick you a few stats.

• Disposable nappies take between 200 – 500 yrs to break down
• You’re newborn baby will use about 80 nappies a week that’s 4160 per year, over a minimum of 2 years in nappies that’s 8320 per child
• Based on the above: with nappies at an average of .45c per piece: that’s $3744 spent on wrapping a babies butt in pads – per child. By the way that’s also probably 1/2 a year of their university fees, or money towards their first car or a family holiday…
• Australians use 5.6 million disposable nappies a day.
• Americans used 27.4 billion disposable nappies each year – enough to stretch to the moon and back 9 times.. We need to change the way we think about waste in the western world.
• Remember you’re not just buying the nappy: when you purchase a disposable nappy you are also paying for the shipping of the product from manufacture to purchase and it’s packaging. When you purchase re-usable nappies you only pay for this once.
• Human waste shouldn’t go in the red bin. We flush it down the toilet for a reason it is sanitised and recycled into our environment… so what is the effect of throwing it out in the landfill…?
• Best way is no nappy. Re-usable nappies aren’t carbon neutral. They require washing and manufacture etc etc so if you can – hold you bub out over the toilet to save a change. Dare you ! 😀

Most of my information comes from an amazing workshop I went to by Kate Meads. If you can get to one of her seminars – YOU SHOULD ! She is funny, it’s easy and cost effective and you get a bunch of free stuff. She has a great, down to earth, common sense attitude to parenting that I really enjoyed. There is heaps more information on her site above if you want more video’s and how to information.

With my first boy I didn’t use cloth nappies as religiously as I am with ZN. Two reasons: 1) I used a composting service for my disposables which did put my mind at ease about the whole waste issue. (They aren’t currently collecting however as they are upgrading their services but keep an eye on the website). 2) $$$$ – we don’t have any. The disposables and the envirocomp bags cost further increasing the cost per nappy so we have decided to knock out the cloth to reduce our outgoings.

With LT I used cloth naps if we were at home and wore disposables out and about and at night. With ZN I am a bit more confident. I use cloth more unless I know we are having a really busy day and I use them at night. To be fair. Disposables are more “full proof” but cloth are still very efficient and shouldn’t be feared!

Quick collection of benefits in my experience with regards to use:

Disposables (usually Huggies or Treasures is what I’m referring to here)

• More absorbent for wee and most changes
• Lower profile (fits better under clothing)
• Less leaks (depending on your babe)
• Better for overnight or longer periods
• Easier to transport soiled nappy when you’re out and about (folds down to contain messes and less smell)
• Less smell
• Best for use from newborn for first 6 – 8 weeks (due to stress level and lots going on!)
• No wash – heaps of environmental issues

Reusable Cloth Nappy (I use any combination of 4 brands – not going to go into them as you need to find right fit for your bub)

• Keeps leg in better position for hip joints to form after birth due to the thicker nappy and angle of the leg in the nap (got this info from the sonographer who scanned ZN’s hips recently)
• Better for solid messes if you use a liner. Most poo sill stick to liner for easy removal leaving less on the cloth.
• Use less wipes per change as cloth is great for collecting it all up
• Cuter patterns!
• More robust if baby is outside or in garden / water etc
• Best for use after 8-10 weeks (don’t stress about adding something new to Newborn business)
• CHEAPER
• Requires washing – limited environmental issues 🙂
• About 20 nappies is all I need to ensure I have enough for any change.

So how do they all work: My regime (also inspired by Nappy Lady, Kate Meads)

I always have disposable nappies in my nappy bag and for use at night and I use cloth nappies whenever it suits me – which is most of the time. The more I use them the more confident I am and more I want to !

Each change I have a cloth nappy and a liner. I use Punga Tails liners They say they are flushable but I don’t flush them after watching the video of all the wipes in the waste-water treatment plant… I put the cloth nappy with its liner in place on the baby. Seems pretty straight forward…

When it’s change time I take the nappy off and put on a fresh one. I scoop out the liner from the nappy and any wipes I’v used (I usually just use any clean parts of the cloth nappy to wipe the botty) and place them in my throw out bucket (that we use for wipes and disposables for the rubbish). I then get the cloth nappy and depending on how soiled it is I hold it in the toilet and flush the water over it to remove any residue. The nappy then goes into another bucket until wash time. I wash the nappies once a day by putting them in the machine on a rinse cycle first then adding any other washing I need to do that day and washing them. I just wash them on a cold wash with soap nuts (my choice of washing detergent) and hang them on the line. If you are doing washing that day then you can wash a load of cloth nappies. It’s not an issue.

Washing Points:

• If I’m doing just towels and sheets I might wash on a warm wash with the cloth nappies but you don’t need to. That’s just because sometimes I like to give my sheets and towels a bit extra.
• I dry them on the line to reduce stains (ps: don’t worry about stains – they happen)
• I sometimes give them a quick spin in the dryer if I have other things that need to go in just to get them a bit softer off the line – not very eco-friendly I know… but sometimes it just works.
• The liners can be rinses and used again if they just had a wees change
• Don’t want to leave nappies in bucket for more than a day because they do start to smell. I don’t add water to the bucket but you can if you want. Refer to Nappy Lady Website for more on this.
• I LOVE sorting them all out when they are dry with their little liner and storing them in bubs room for their next use 😀
• You don’t need – soakers, oils, or to wash them in H O T! 

WIPES:

I also use less wipes with cloth nappies… Wipes aren’t cool man. They don’t flush and they don’t degrade well either! I choose to use Little Genie Wipes, the Forest and Bird ones. I figure if I’m spending money on something that isn’t ideal for our environment I should a) try to use the best of the worst and b)give back to an amazing cause to conserve our natural environment.

I do also make my own wipes at home. Now before you get all, “Ugh” and eye-rolly on me. I have only done this once… but even once has made a difference to our consumption and I’m about to do it again. It is VERY easy!

I take all the myriad of baby muslin’s that people give you at your baby shower. I cut the bigger ones down a couple of sizes (smaller is better). I boil the jug and fill the sink with it. I add a couple of drops of tea tree oil (depending on how many wipes you have. Check the parts per litres on the tea tree oil packet). I put the muzzies in the solution and swirl them around. When water is cool enough I ring out the water and push each wipe through the opening of an old wipe packet. DONE. ACTUALLY DONE. Really.

I use these more on wee changes than poo change, but if I use them on a pooey bum then I just give them the same treatment as the cloth naps. END of.

So I think that about covers it. It’s not hard. It really isn’t! Once you get in the swing you’re all good! Just use one or 2 a day and that will make a difference. Every little bit counts!

 

 

The Difference Between One and Two

Hi everyone! I’m the mother of 2 children. Effing hell – did NOT think this was going to happen to me when I was up at 4 am dancing to progressive house in the early 2000’s. Anyway it has, it is and it’s safe to say I’m loving it. Don’t stress, I don’t what this post to turn into a “loving my self as a mother” type of dig. However, there are a few positives and – might I add – a LOT of relief. Allow me to explain..

1. Having 2 children is easier than I thought … #manangingfine
2. I love the feeling of investing in my kids.

There are probably a few separate posts within this so I will now proceed to gloss over a bunch of it and hit you with some main themes without the brussel sprouts.

Definitely not easy having 2 – I’m not going to be one of those people: “It’s a piece of cake and I’m wonder woman and managing (read: “empty inside”). But what it is IS familiar! It’s not, for example like the grande transition of having one child where you feel like you’re sinking into a deep hole of learning that you may or may not rise out of. It is a SUPER relief not to feel totally bedraggled and stripped back of everything that you thought made you who you are. You know, things like : the gym, a hairstyle, an amazing cook, a bedroom minx, a working woman and so on and so forth. Don’t get me wrong there is a level of bedraggled-ness for sure, and if your second baby is a non-sleeper when your first baby was a wonder sleeper… then there are so many levels of “I-just-can’t-help-you” going on right now… BUT there is this LOVELY familiarity to the emergence of the new edition that is really re-assuring and grounding. Although our little ZN is (obviously) different than LT. They are the same in many ways. Ways that were cemented in a tsunami of learning that went along with having the first baby. Things like, I picked him up and new automatically how to burp him, how to feed him, how to wrap him. I didn’t nearly drop him or roll on him a million times in those first weeks because I knew the parameters that we were working within. Familiarity. The differences weren’t so great and the ones there were, were welcome, for example – S L E E P, earlier smiles and laughs and wide eyes that LT didn’t have until he was a bit older. The personalities are different and delightful and I have the space to appreciate them.

The issues have really been in managing the toddler in conjunction with the baby rather than the baby itself. This, you have no concept of until the little edition arrives. LT was hitting and throwing and frustrated. I could see him trying to process this change. Most specifically, the lack of undivided attention he was receiving from his parents. He loved ZN (smiles and cuddles and kisses) but he was PISSED at mum. Especially when I was breastfeeding. So in the early days I put him in daycare a little more until ZN was able to be managed a bit better and not so attached to me. I just took the pressure off and made it easy on all of us and as normal / routine focussed as possible with LT. This worked. I think it also allowed him to realise he could maintain his status as “special boy” as well slowly adjusting to “big brother”. I also discovered Janet Lansbury  this helped… ALOT ! I was definitely losing my shit with LT on more than one occasion.. I didn’t feel good about this and the above website was great for understanding and learning how to deal. Result.

We have made sure we have the following in place (most of the time – no one’s perfect!)

• Solid Routine where possible. Meal times, sleep times, bath bed, etc. Daycare days and on the days when I have them both I do familiar things eg: Swimming lessons, fluffy at our favourite cafe, library, Granny’s house on Tuesday etc.
• ZN won’t break if he doesn’t sleep in his cot. So he’s mailable and he works in with what we are up to. It just make sure his routine is roughly structured as Feed, Awake time, Sleep.
• TAKE. SNACKS. EVERYWHERE.
• GIVE. TODDLER. SLEEP
• Carry on keeping LT the main event eg: LT comes first unless I’m feeding or dealing with baby. I don’t give ZN heaps of gooey googly attention when LT is around. I involve him but I keep the relationship with LT.
• Involve LT in day to day tasks with baby; “let’s change him!” “Come sit with me while I give ZN his milk”
• Make time for Dad and Mum to have one on one time with both boys where possible. I take ZN to baby yoga which is something I couldn’t do with LT because I was too overwhelmed (eye roll)

We have also used the baby’s arrival as an opportunity to talk to LT about when he was a baby. He’s LOVED looking at pictures of himself and hearing stories about what he would do when he was small.

Because I’m not working, I’v also enjoyed “working” for my kids. I’v got a lot sorted because I have space to do so (not in lala land like I was with LT and kind of needed to be!) I’v also been able to plan things for LT and ZN to do  that enhance relationships all around. We have discovered new experiences we like to share and new activities to do. We are in a good little routine and I feel like I’m able to enrich their lives more by simply spending my time with them.

I remember a conversation with one of my mother’s dear friends (also a dear friend of mine by proxy) who recounted a story of when she was teaching and how she managed a difficult child in conjunction with the mother. The mother was beside herself and didn’t know how to handle this child who would often meltdown, especially dropping her off at school. They ended up having success with a rewards program in the classroom so the child didn’t freak out every time the mother dropped her at school. She got to choose 5 things to be her rewards. One of them was more time with her mother. This resonated with me. No matter what – your kids ALWAYS benefit from time with you. They don’t need toys, parties, TV. The need your time, your attention and your love and care. So I’m really enjoying this investment in them. The fact that it’s not so crazy making this time is an effing bonus!